Sunday, November 04, 2012

Hallelujah anyway...

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength -- Phil 4:11-13 NLT

I stayed home from church today. My excuse was that I had to work tonight so therefore I needed a break from people. But the reality was that I just had an overwhelming sense of loneliness and discontent, and I thought to myself, I just can't put on the happy all is well with me face today. No way, no how, no can do. So I stayed home and drowned my sorrows in a novel and food, my two drugs of choice, and tried not to think about how weak I felt because I was losing my joy.

I eventually left the house, and I went to a write in for the NaNoWriMo. A whole hour and a half late but I went, and I wrote for a bit, just 1500 words but I wrote and afterwards when I couldn't stand being there any longer, I took myself to the McKelligon canyon and enjoyed the silence. Well, I distracted myself by chatting with my cousin on Whatsapp because I didn't want to face my thoughts. Thoughts like why can't I just be happy with whatever it is I have, wherever it is I am, whomever it is I am with, whoever it is I am right now? Thoughts like: what would it take for me to be fully content?

I wondered: if I do get what I want, will I be unhappy in that space too? 

Finally, I came to the conclusion that I needed a mental and spiritual readjustment.

This week, I plan to just be happy with whatever situation I find myself in. I plan to to stop looking at everything with a “woe is me, why me, why can't things turn out my way for once” eye. My new phrase is going to be Hallelujah anyway.

Stress on the job, hallelujah anyway, at least I have a job to stress me out, just last year I had no job and no ends and plenty stress. At least the money from the job can ease the stress.

Feeling all alone out here in the ELP? Hallelujah anyway, maybe I can get this novel that I have been working on for the past 7 years written finally.

Missing my family like mad? Hallelujah anyway, then the reunion will be even sweeter.

No little munchkin of my own? Hallelujah anyway, until the time is right, I can travel and see the world, and have fun so I can tell her stories about mommy's adventures when she finally arrives.

And so on and so forth and such and such.

May God help me, amen.

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