Monday, April 30, 2012

Conviction vs Condemnation-Sunday Meditation

Sorry I've been absent.

Had a few things on my mind lately, mainly a bout of recriminations and self accusations. For some reason, all my past mistakes were playing in HD in my head and I was seriously down on myself, searching myself, wondering if my response at the time was right. This mind of mine tends to remember the things that are long forgotten by others, while forgetting the things I need to survive the day to day.

But I digress.

I wondered if these thoughts were condemnation from the devil who is known to accuse the brethren over and over again of sins already forgiven and forgotten by the Lord God, or conviction from the Holy Spirit for me to search my heart and repent of my sins. I am still not clear. I keep hearing love covereth a multitude of sins, and I know that that is my weakness. I am too quick to write people off, too quick to anger, too slow to forgive. I've been hurt so much that I tend to over react sometimes to prevent myself from being taken advantage of, used and abused. Sometimes, I have to call my sisters to make sure my reaction is the right one because just like an overactive immune system, I tend to go on all out war instead of just a warning. Sigh. But I guess this is what happens when the core of a relationship is not love. If I had love, I would be able to forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive ad nauseaum right. But when does one draw the line?

I remember a sermon I heard preached 2 years ago at Jubilee Christian Center in Boston. God so wanted me to hear that word that I heard it twice from two totally different pastors. I mean different, the first church was an all american modern church (Jubilee), and the second church was an all nigerian traditional church (CAC). So I paid close attention.

The pastor at Jubilee spoke of a new law, a gospel law of love and trust. God's love for us, and our trust in Him. He listed several costs, if you will, of this law.
To rethink: Be totally honest about who we are and what we do.
To repent: Be willing to lose any habit/plan/friend
To renounce: give up all rights to our lives, dying to ego and what people see us as.
To replan: be prepared to make changes, make amends and let go of those who have wronged us
To receive: Jesus Christ by faith, knowing that we do not have to do anything to earn God's favor.

I have been stuck on cost #1 all week, thanks to this sermon on envy by Pastor Rick Warren. I never saw myself as an envious person or a covetous person. But that sermon made me hold a mirror to myself and I wasn't happy with what I saw. I have a lot of work to do, all these years of being born again, I thought I would have got it by now.  But as long as I hold on to my "rights" and "fairness" I guess I will continue to be stuck in the rut  of grudge bearing and anger. As long as I keep focusing on people's opinions of me and what I do, I guess I will continue to be stuck in discontent, insecurity and grass is greener syndrome. So much food for thought. God help me.

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