Monday, June 12, 2006

He loves me...

My exam is literally around the corner. I decided to figure out how to get to the testing site yesterday. The thing is, i haven’t had a car for the past month or so - some drunk person smashed into the back of my baby while it was jejely parked on the street. Since i didn’t have full coverage on my car, the damage was not covered by insurance and i did not get the added perk of a rental car. So i have been busing it for the past month. All I can say about busing it is Worcester is, thank God we at least have a transportation system. (i miss boston! a bus every ten minutes until late at night (12am not 9pm maybe), i was so busy envying nyc that i never knew i was living in heaven!).

So, I went to find the place. First, I took the wrong bus. Apparently, the bus i got on only services that area on the weekends and i am not good at map reading so while i thought that the bus would at least pass near to where i was going, the truth of the matter was that the bus did not even go anywhere near the area. Fortunately, the bus driver was very kind and patiently described to me how to walk to where i was going. The walk wasn’t too bad, and i even saw the prettiest flowers which i picked.

I found the place and then I walked to the mall which was nearby. My intention was to browse through Homegoods and Bath and Body works (funny enough, i was just thinking that thus far their hand soaps are my favorite, the scent lingers forever and i had just promised myself to visit them when i got to boston so i was delighted to see a branch in this mall + they had a sale!). But before I allowed myself that pleasure, I decided to sort out my return trip home. I walked the entire length of the mall, all 1.5 floors but could not find one single information desk. So I tried to call Boston to get my sister to look up the schedules for me online but she wasn’t able to help me. In short, I was stranded! This realization of course prevented me from lingering, browsing, or parting with my hard earned cash.

As I was talking to my sis, I saw a bus rush by but i couldn’t even figure out what bus it was. Eventually, I decided to trek it. I told my house mate that I would be home by six (it was already five) and since she had no keys, I had to make good on that promise.

As I began to trek it, I ran into this woman, another worcester transplant (obviously, i don’t think any worcester native would even think about taking the bus to the mall, i’m just saying). She too was trying to figure out how to take the bus. She was just a Godsend because until I saw her, it never occurred to me to ask someone if they knew where the bus stop was. (i figured they wouldn’t know - no one takes the bus in worcester.) Eventually, we went into best buy and fortunately, someone was there who knew how to take the bus: where the bus stop was, and the time the next bus was coming. (if only i had thought to ask someone before hand, i would have shopped to my heart’s content. s’all good, after the exam i will do some damage. i deserve it!)

Apparently, the bus stop is at the top of the second set of stairs under the bridge. So I climbed to the top of the stairs, my poor flowers had wilted by now, and proceeded to wait for the bus. and wait and wait. I was just happy, I was feeling very loved by God and i was actually having an adventure. (the little things that make me happy). Amazingly, one of my friends from school chose that time to drive by. I was shocked to see her car pass me, and so was she. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I kept staring after her car. Could it really be her? How coincidental was that right? Fortunately, (a whole lot of fortunatelys in this piece, i know) she had my number and she called me and even turned around to give me a ride. How beautiful.

The icing on the cake was that my flowers revived when I put them in water and the sight of them cheered me up as I slogged through question after question after question. (i can’t wait for this exam to come and go already.)

Why was i feeling so loved by God?

It is always the littlest things that make me feel that God cares about me. My friend had brought me down that saturday on what was such a great weekend (tenth college reunion, it was hot saw all my friends i hadn’t seen since june 3rd 1996 but more on that later maybe). I had rented a car for that weekend so when the call came for me to attend her surprise bday party, I decided why not.

Everything was cool at first until she cornered me and asked if i was coming to church on sunday. see, the thing is, i have been churchless since before i started med school two years ago. some stuff went down in that church around the time i was to start school that really hurt me. Of course, i didn’t say all that or explain too much. I just said i wasn’t going: gotta study and i don’t even know how we got into it sha but man the next thing i knew i was on the receiving end of a lecture about why i should be in church regardless of whatever had happened and how i needed to sow a seed or something like that so God could reward me. That just irked me. I told her that I didn’t know God needed to be bribed these days before he could answer prayers abi? And anyway, as far as i was concerned i was sowing a seed (of love) at that moment just by being at her party cos God knows my ass needed to study and not go to any party of any kind which i was even beginning to regret attending. Sha the upshot was, i drove my forty miles back to the woo feeling miserable and full of doubt.

I know that I need to be in church, don’t get me wrong. But I want a church home where the church is committed to building up community: the one within the walls of the church and the ones outside and surrounding the church. I just haven’t put in the effort to searching for one.

I was upset because even though I know that God’s love for me is unconditional and not based on anything that I do and furthermore nothing i can do can change that love (Romans 8:35-39)- no matter what the preacher might say on sunday, it’s not the tithes, it’s not the offerings, it’s not even the church attendance - i began to doubt that knowledge, i began to worry that i might even fail my exam. To make matters worse, i began to remember all the things that caused me to dissociate myself from that church in the first place. Stuff I had forgotten about and had caused me a significant amount of distress in the first place. I did not need to be in this state of mind before a major exam! (eight hours long, 350 questions covering subject matter from two years of study.)

So to cut a long story short.. I told God that He just needed to work it out for me. I ain’t trying to figure any of this out anymore. Consequently, it was especially meaningful yesterday, as I was running around trying to figure out how to get back home from the mall, that everything I needed to know just appeared at the right time. I mean, I was on that highway literally walking home when this woman appeared out of nowhere. It's those little things, the attention to what I need delivered at the precise time that i need it that always makes me fall in love with God even more. It also makes me realize that though i may not see it now or understand half the things i go through, He's got my back and He is working it all out for me.

My break is more than up.

in a minute...

No comments: