Sunday, October 28, 2012

Grudge Bearer

I am champion grudge bearer. 

I have tried to deny this aspect of myself. I am not proud of it and I often try to rationalize it. It was their fault, they took my kindness for weakness, they pushed me to the limit. I told them several times about themselves, yet they persist in their wrongdoing. I am not FORGIVING them. 

I really hate this about myself. 

Especially since I am supposed to be a Christ follower and all. And He very clearly said, forgive. In several ways and in several gospels, He said FORGIVE. 

Matthew 5:39 But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.

Luke 17:4 Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.

Mark 11:25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.

The past few months have been insane. I literally just had to fall to my knees and beg God to intervene, and He did, but that's not the testimony here today. In the midst of all the chaos and fear and pain, I was stabbed in my back and called out my name by people I kind of trusted a little bit. I felt betrayed and wanted vengeance. 

But then something happened. 

You see I read my bible every day. Not a real big deal truth be told because reading is like breathing to me. I can't help but to read.  Prayer on the other hand is a whole different matter. Most of the time my prayer life is pretty flat, I mean there are times when I feel that today I connected with God but for most days, my prayers are perfunctory, quick and lifeless. For the past month though, I have been praying with my sisters and my mother. First, it was just focused on one thing and once that got answered, we continued on. I put my situation into God's hand and of course the devil persisted in troubling me and trying to steal my peace. But as I continued with corporate prayer with my family, I could feel a shift in me. I, master grudge bearer, went from hurt them like they hurt me, to wishing nothing for the best for them. I went from being my usual sullen and withdrawn and I can't be bothered to talk to you cos you pretty much suck self to still interacting, laughing and getting along with those who hurt me. 

I feel free. 

On the surface, nothing has really changed. Each day brings its own trouble. But on the inside, I no longer feel turmoil, and anger, and bitterness and resentment. 

I really do feel free.


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